Living with Depression and Anxiety

You know what it is like to live with insecurities?
Anxiety?
Depression?

No?

Let me explain this to you in the most simplest terms. You are stuck in this cage with no way out (that you can see) and your mind is constantly whispering to you about so many things that is probably overexgerration of what is really happening. As the panic rises inside your chest, the bubbles of scream pressing against your throat to the point where you swore your heart is stuck there as well but you are stuck in that cage.

There's an invisible hand covering your mouth, preventing you from letting those screams out or letting you breathe. There will be feelings of desolation, nothingness, darkness and that you are worthless. You would want to do things but you can't find a shred of motivation to do it. You would feel like your life is barely holding together around you but there would be days you would rather to close your eyes and welcome the darkness.

----

That's what I have been going through on my daily basis and it is a daily struggle for me. I will have my good days. I will have my bad days. This is the aftermath of my 12 years relationship with my ex boyfriend/husband. I have so many problems and issues with myself to the point where I am constantly terrified of fucking up with my new boyfriend.

I have done so many things I wasn't proud of.
I have developed so many habits or abilities that I would normally avoid.

Whenever I look in the mirror, I see all of the mistakes I made written all over me. Invisible bruises, wounds and scars covering me from top to bottom. Hateful words uttered by me or others imprinted in my head.

Others see a beautiful woman with laughing green eyes, ever-changing hair colors, a ready smile or laughter on her lips with all of the potential waiting to come out of her.

I see a broken woman when I stand in front of the mirror. I see a woman who gets terrified when she finally finds her paradise and home because she doesn't want to set her happiness too high because things always happens to her. In her experiences, whenever she finds a slice of happiness, something always happens and she gets thrust back into that cage.

When I look at my boyfriend, my heart doesn't skip a beat. It infuses me with deep warmth and love. I already know I am lost. I already know that I am setting myself too high but I am tentatively spreading my tattered wings with heart in my throat.

I am still fighting the demons inside my head and my heart.. along with my past by myself in silence.
I am now motivated to defeat those demons instead of co-existing with them peacefully like I have been for years.

But I am so terrified. My insecurities... My issues. my problems... they will become a problem or an annoyance.

I don't know who to turn to. I don't know how to deal with this because I am still stuck in this cage with the hand over my mouth to prevent myself from screaming and blindfold over my eyes to keep myself calm.