Old Love Letter from 2015

Rhythm of the love
It flows through us with every breath we take
...with every steps we take
..with every heartbeat that thumps in our chest.
It resonates to others and is one of threads that connects everyone in some form.
-----
The woman paces across the wooden floor, running her fingers through her now dark red hair and drums her fingers against her lips while the anxiety rises up inside her chest. Things have gotten really serious with her love interest and it terrifies her. She knows that it terrifies him and they both are so confused. She sighs as she curls up on the couch with notebook and pen, pulling her hair over her shoulder and she chews on her lower lip.
The words from people she trusts and respects circulates around inside her head-
"You will never know unless you tell him. Give him a chance to figure things out with you."
"There is definitely an attraction between you guys. Don't let him lie to you like this."
"You only get to live once. Seize every opportunity you can get. If you think you can be happy with him, seize it."
"Every time you say his name, a smile appear on your face. You are a woman in love."
Tucking one of legs under her body, her other leg starts to bounce to the internal rhythm of her anxiety while she closes her eyes, taking in a deep breath before she looks up at the skies momentarily before she looks down at the plain paper in front of her. It took her months to finally acknowledge something that almost everyone around her already knows. She's a woman in love.
With another steadying breath, she pulls her legs up to her chest and places the notebook on it and the pen starts flying across the paper, filling it with the words she wanted to say to him but probably will end up in the fire after she's done:

"Hey you..
Yes, you.. the man in plaid shirt.
Do I have your attention now?
Good because I want to tell you something that I can't verbally say to you.
Do you remember our first meeting?
There were instant chemistry, attraction even though we were circling each other with a wary eye..
due to our previous experiences with relationships or casual encounters.
We got to know each other. I get to see you smile and laugh in person for first time which makes me smile when I write this.
You, me and our friend.. we could be considered The Three Musketeers that day.
All of the fun, all the day.
As usual, it had to end while I hop on the plane back home to relationship of hell with a sad heart but I find myself looking into your direction.
Boy, you say there's no attraction between us.
I will have to call you out on that bullshit because things have happened almost every time we meet up in person.
I know I am fat and I still have a lot of improvements to make.
I warned you that I am still a work in process.
I am losing my weight. I am toning my muscles slowly.
Not because of you. But I know you.
High standards in women.
Yet, here you are.
I know your luck with women are not that great. I have personally helped you through one of them.
But here I am.
A woman, scared to death and confused as hell.
I might talk the talk when it comes to relationships and give advice but baby..
Let me tell you a secret that I am not willing to admit.
I am a proverbial virgin when it comes to sex and relationships.
If you give me a chance, I will show you that I am quick study.
You are a hopeless romantic.
A country boy.
With a sweet smile.
I am a hopeless romantic.
A country girl.
with her heart in her throat.
You are scared. But I am terrified.
I know what it is like to be trapped in my own personal hell.
Trapped in a toxic relationship where I had to force my emotions into stasis in order to keep functioning for very very long time.
and in one day..
just one day, boy..
you achieved what my best friend couldn't do.
You flipped the switch to my emotions on without realizing it.
All of the emotions overloaded my senses.
Love..
Happiness..
Confusion..
Anger...
Regret...
Guilt...
Curiosity..
What am I supposed to do with the sudden flood of the emotions?? Take it in a stride??
No.
I wish I could. I truly do because that's what I would have done if I didn't have all of the formerly familiar emotions all hitting me at once.
A nuclear meltdown happened. Tears. Rage. PSTD. Anxiety.
Our mutual friend had hell of time with me all night until the sun rose over the grassy hills.
Sweetheart.. when I woke up few hours later, I laid in the bed for 20 minutes trying to compose myself because I know you are up. When I stepped out to your pale face and I saw the guilt and regret in your eyes...
I was at loss.
A genuine loss because I am relearning all of the emotions all over again
But one thing I can't deny..
My heart skip a beat when I see you.
when your face appears in my head, a smile appears on my face.
After encounters with you and we part ways, I want to dance.
What is stopping you, boy?
Nothing is a guarantee in our lives.
Maybe this is just a passing romance between us.
But don't you think you owe it to yourself and to me to see if this romance is real?
You are a country boy.
I am a country girl.
We might seem to be on polar opposite side of spectrum in everything.
But sweetheart, you don't know everything about me.
I genuinely believe we could work out if we keep our minds and hearts open.
Who knows?
You might be my paradise.
I might be your dream.
But what I do know is that there's a rhythm of love connecting you to me.
You seem to be singing a song that only I can understand.
A song of a person who is afraid to trust.
A song of a person who have been burned so many times.
A song of a person who had his heart broken badly.
A song of a person who is terrified to love again.
Sweetheart, I know those feelings too well. I am terrified to death. Because every time I find a reason to be happy or smile about, something bad always happens.
I know every word. Every nuance. Every rhythm to that song that we both seem to share.
Believe me when I tell you this- I will die before I will ever hurt you..."
The words seems to blur on the words as the woman realizes that there's unshed tears in her green eyes and she quickly wipes them off her cheeks and takes in a steady breath, knowing that this paper is definitely going into the fire because there's no way in hell she's going to set herself up for a devastating blow. "I am not ready for a relationship. That's why things didn't work out with the previous girl because she wanted it but I didn't." is what the guy told her. She remembers herself nodding and telling him that she understand.. and that she doesn't want relationships right now. She was sadly mistaken. She takes in a deep breath as she looks up at the beautiful nature in front of her to compose herself before she start writing once again-
"This will probably never reach to you because I am a coward who guards her heart fiercely.
I am a coward that is so confused about things.
I am a coward that don't know how to proceed when it comes to sex or relationships.
However, I am a lousy guardian of my heart because it seems like you have it in your hands and you don't even know it. You suspect that I have feelings for you. You tried to redirect it by saying that I have a feeling for my friend who I consider a brother to me.
"Communicate with him" they all say. I get tongue-tied when I talk to you. I get flustered. I don't know what to say. That's the first for me. I don't know if I like it or not. I normally know what to say in any situations. People have said that I am smooth talker and can easily talk myself out of anything.
So.. tell me.. why can't I talk myself out of THIS situation?
I don't have any answers this time.
No advice to give to myself.
If I try to talk to you, you will think I am desperate.
That I just wanted you because you showed me what you are capable of in bed.
Just like other women.
But I am not like other women.
Sure. You are amazing in bed. Phenomenal, actually.
But you are amazing out of the bed as well.
My family really loves you.
My family is everything to me. So if they collectively like a guy, then that means if anything does happen between us..
that will be an instant approval from them. You will be welcomed into the family.
Honey, I think you are already part of the family. You just don't realize it.
But I will respect your wishes.
I will not utter any words about relationships or anything around you.
Hence, this letter won't reach to you.
Just another layer in the bottle inside me."
The woman taps her pen against the 3 pages worth of words aimed toward him while her head bobs little bit to the music playing in her earbuds. As she re-reads those words while she moves toward the fireplace, her steps falters as the song comes through her phone- "Come with me to paradise" by Tony Christie. She closes her eyes as she slowly rips those pages out while words floats from her phone to her heart, causing it to stutter. As she crumple first page and threw it into the fire, she find herself mouthing the words to the song while she repeated the step with the remaining pages.
She curls up in front of the fireplace with her chin on her knees, staring at the fire eating her words up that will never be spoken to him while the song ends with "come with me..."
( lyrics to the said song-
I wanna talk to you of all the wondrous things
of all the magic days our love is bringing.
I wanna hold you close and never let you go
and you will hear the words my heart is singing.
We'll make our secret dreams become reality
and let our love run wild and free.
Heaven on earth will surround you and me.
Come with me to paradise my love
paradise my love
ev'ry day we'll see a golden morning.
Come with me to paradise my love
paradise my love
we can float away among the stars.
Together we can take a magic carpet ride
and see a silver river gently flowing.
Then may be we will stop and walk through wonderland
and see exotic flowers softly growing.
Oh
we can sail away across a moonlight sea
and find a place for you and me.
heaven on earth that's the way it will be.
Come with me ...
We'll feel the sunshine and just ignore time
and let our love grow inside.
We'll watch the moonglow whereever we go.
I'll always be right on your side.
Come with me ...
Come with me .. )

Living with Depression and Anxiety

You know what it is like to live with insecurities?
Anxiety?
Depression?

No?

Let me explain this to you in the most simplest terms. You are stuck in this cage with no way out (that you can see) and your mind is constantly whispering to you about so many things that is probably overexgerration of what is really happening. As the panic rises inside your chest, the bubbles of scream pressing against your throat to the point where you swore your heart is stuck there as well but you are stuck in that cage.

There's an invisible hand covering your mouth, preventing you from letting those screams out or letting you breathe. There will be feelings of desolation, nothingness, darkness and that you are worthless. You would want to do things but you can't find a shred of motivation to do it. You would feel like your life is barely holding together around you but there would be days you would rather to close your eyes and welcome the darkness.

----

That's what I have been going through on my daily basis and it is a daily struggle for me. I will have my good days. I will have my bad days. This is the aftermath of my 12 years relationship with my ex boyfriend/husband. I have so many problems and issues with myself to the point where I am constantly terrified of fucking up with my new boyfriend.

I have done so many things I wasn't proud of.
I have developed so many habits or abilities that I would normally avoid.

Whenever I look in the mirror, I see all of the mistakes I made written all over me. Invisible bruises, wounds and scars covering me from top to bottom. Hateful words uttered by me or others imprinted in my head.

Others see a beautiful woman with laughing green eyes, ever-changing hair colors, a ready smile or laughter on her lips with all of the potential waiting to come out of her.

I see a broken woman when I stand in front of the mirror. I see a woman who gets terrified when she finally finds her paradise and home because she doesn't want to set her happiness too high because things always happens to her. In her experiences, whenever she finds a slice of happiness, something always happens and she gets thrust back into that cage.

When I look at my boyfriend, my heart doesn't skip a beat. It infuses me with deep warmth and love. I already know I am lost. I already know that I am setting myself too high but I am tentatively spreading my tattered wings with heart in my throat.

I am still fighting the demons inside my head and my heart.. along with my past by myself in silence.
I am now motivated to defeat those demons instead of co-existing with them peacefully like I have been for years.

But I am so terrified. My insecurities... My issues. my problems... they will become a problem or an annoyance.

I don't know who to turn to. I don't know how to deal with this because I am still stuck in this cage with the hand over my mouth to prevent myself from screaming and blindfold over my eyes to keep myself calm.

Internet, my solace.

Internet...
Computers...
Games...

Those three words go hand in hand with each other and there is an increasing amount of people that would sit at their computer hours upon hours. I am one of those people and i am very sure my loved ones are getting tired of me going straight to my computer after work or school.

Here i am, explaining to you guys why i do this. Internet is full of strangers all over the world. Some good. Some bad. Some amazing and interesting. Some so evil. A lot of people that don't do internet or online games will say that i shouldn't trust people online because i have had few bad experiences.. but they doesn't seem to realize that the number of good experiences i have there eclipses the bad ones.

The problem with people today is that they only think about bad experiences i had instead the good ones. Let me list off good experiences i had on internet that sometimes transcends into real life, shall we?

**Me meeting my ex husband ( this is a good AND bad experience ) - i learned so much in my 12 years with him. I met him through gaia online personal ads (they removed that feature). He gave and took away my greatest joy and love, my son. But i learned how to survive.. how to fend for myself. How to be an adult. Trust is so fragile. Easily broken and hard to regain.

** My sisters and brothers online - ( you guys know who you guys are) i have met some of them and i am still planning on meeting rest of them. If it wasn't for them, i would probably blown my head off or be found dead in the tub with my wrists, neck and all main arteries cut. They keep me sane. They are words of wisdom and love. They laugh at and with me. I always look forward to spending time with them online. Talking, role playing, making plans and what not. Over the years, they grew to become my sisters and brothers of spirit and those bonds cant be broken

** Lessons I have learned- Those lessons are not necessarily bad ones but I have learned so much from interacting with different kind of people. I have learned how to be more patient, more compassionate and exercise a lot of restraints (because you guys know my mouth gets me in trouble a lot). I have learned to balance trust and how to hand them out. I have learned what is puppy love, infatuation, different layers of the loves by seeing it happening to various different people and having it happen to me as well.

** People I have met on the internet- I have met hundreds and thousands of people during my duration of my time on internet. They always provided me with laughter, smiles, shoulder to cry on, or just company when I needed it. They gave me so many ideas, things to think about. More I get to know people I run with, more I grow to care about them and they will become my friends and perhaps eventually more like spirit siblings or something else. People always cross my path for a reason. It can be a good reason like a lesson, company or whatnot or it can be a bad reason. Not everyone are terrible online.

** Relationships- I have been in quite few online relationships and they are really amazing experiences. Those men I have agreed to go into relationships with are from various different states or countries so I learn so much from each one of them. I even also learn about myself while I am with them like my preferences, what do I like and what not. I am currently in a relationship with a really awesome guy that I have met through a game and I am really happy with this man. He is always by my side and I know he will always have my back no matter what. He makes me smile. Makes me laugh. Makes me feel loved. This December, it will become a offline relationship when I finally meet him.

But the most important reason why I am always online is because....

On the internet, I am not Kelly. I cease to become that deaf woman. I become Kateri. I become Kestral. Caitlyn. Nemesis. All of my alias. I become this person that can communicate with everyone without any barriers. People won't treat me any differently and won't know that I am deaf unless I reveal that kind of information about them. The difference between online people and real life people is that.. online people won't care because there won't be any communication barriers at all.

"Oh? you are deaf? That's awesome. This is the song that is playing. (Insert song name here). Google the lyrics. Its really soothing/upbeat/whatever" song" <-- just an example

With real life people, I have noticed that hearing people DO get conscious when they realize that I am deaf and will focus entirely on my "disability" instead of just going with the flow and treat me normal like online people.

With online people, I am always included in conversations. I am always aware of what is going on because its all words on the screen. It might be just words on the screen but those words are coming from people all over the USA, Canada, Mexico, other countries. They make connections with me just like I make connections with them.

I am at my most happiest when I am online because I can relax. Be myself. Without any aggravations of communication barriers and just be like other people out there.

So before you look at me and accuse me of being an internet addict or anyone else, take those kind of reasons into consideration. Because I know people don't notice they are doing it to me but they are. They exclude me. They treat me with awkwardness. The communication barrier is right there and its usually me that have to break through it instead of them doing that first.

On the internet, I am just a regular person. No disabilities at all. Enjoying my time with the people that enjoys the same things I do.