The worst you could ever do to a mother

2007.
That was a maximum crime.
A young woman's world was destroyed and she hit the rock bottom. Robbed of her own greatest joy that she grew and protected under her heart for 9 months, this woman's illusion of marriage, trust and everything shattered that day.

That woman is me. I am sitting here typing this because I barely survived the ordeal of having my son taken away from me under the guise that I will always have access to him and have a hand in raising him while my ex husband's family handle the finances.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son, i was terrified but at same time in awe that my body was able to produce something so special. For 9 months, I felt and watched him grow inside me and the bond formed between us. His heart beats in unison with mine.

February 13, 2005.. I went into hospital to have my son but he was stubborn and didn't want to leave me. Around 8:20 pm on 15th, the doctors came to me with the news that made my heart stop beating..
My son wasn't responding and is in distress so emergency c-section was needed. By 8:45, he was out of me but doctors had to work hard to get him to breathe because he was not for first few minutes. That was few minutes where I stared at my interpreter and husband in mute horror, because heaven know what I would do if he dies.

The second i saw my son's face, my heart was filled with intense joy and love that I can't even describe. I was in this deep awe that I could create something so beautiful. I kept wanting to hold him, kiss him and just cherish every moment with him.

That's what I did for the next 2 years. However, I struggled to keep him fed, get supplies for him and whatnot on top of his health issues that he seems to inherit from both parents so he had hard time retaining nutrients we give him.

I was constantly exhausted but to see him smile up at me and reach out to me with his small chubby arms was worth every hellish moment I went through.

Medical bills continues to rise up and we feel like we are drowning. My husband and his family started to discuss about giving the custody to them behind my back. I was completely alone, mostly disconnected from my family and friends in up north.

21 years old and terrified for her son's life.

For 5 months, I stood alone and fought like crazy to keep my son. My own husband pressured me and in the end, I agreed on just one condition.. that i still get to see my baby, help with raising and when my life is stabilized.. I get him back.

Sure. Sure, they say.

In the month of March, that's when my world caved into me, imploded then shattered in so many pieces. I signed the adoption papers and that was the last I ever saw my son again.

When I realized what they did, a deep agonized feral cry came rising up from deep inside my soul. Desperate tears came as I fought so hard to fix the mistake I made.

This is my soul being ripped out. My heart being carried off in that boy.

My husband stared in my face after countless fights we had about me wanting my baby back and uttered one sentence that destroyed me even more-
" I never wanted William in first place."

I have been living with desolation, no hope, regrets and guilt about my son.

I will always have that emptiness in my heart. He will always be my pride and joy . My little monkey.

It's 2016. My lil man is 11 years old...
Not a single picture or video or updates from my ex in laws. They refuse to let me know about him or let me send him things.

"Return to sender"

A long lost daughter returns...

You guys know that typical tragic story that usually goes like this...
There were a girl that everybody calls “All American Sweetheart” with mischievous laughing green eyes and her dirty blond hair forever pulled up into a ponytail, constantly running out on the field or the court to do something she loves; sports. She was perfect in every aspect except the fact that she couldn’t hear but it didn’t deter her at all. She was one of the top students at her school and top players of the respective teams. She had it all and she was at top of the world. America noticed her as an all American high school softball and volleyball player across the nation. She is a social chameleon, able to blend in with whatever groups existed at the school or outside in the world so she was very well liked girl with an amazing childhood.

The second she turned 13 years old, that’s when her life have taken a very dark turn and so many bad things have happened to her. She struggled to keep the light in her eyes and laughter on her lips as she faced those events. The darkness became too much for her so she turned to two vices which nearly ruined her life but her academic and sports life was already over. She lost the motivation to continue her academics and she was denied sports because her academics was circling around the drain. She got up and fled from her old life to new one, her new version of hell. That’s when all-American sweetheart died and the cold and emotionless woman was born without any laughter and joy in her life. She have lost so much during her duration in the hell to the point where she gave up the hope of love, joy, happiness and future.

She found her way back home where she is safe again. Emotionally frozen, denied of experiences she could have when she was transitioning from a teenage to young adult and forever confused and insecure, regretful of her actions. As her stay at home gradually became longer, she slowly starts to thaw out and start to learn how to experience the joys of life again. Being able to laugh again. Love again. Have fun again.
Then one day, she suddenly got up and disappeared without any warning or any head ups to anyone because she felt like she needed to get away so she can explore the world out there and rediscover her identity once again. People couldn’t find her anywhere or find a way to contact her over the years and it was presumed she got killed or died somewhere else.

Now think about this.

You are walking down the sidewalk 5 to 10 years later, the thought about that girl is far from your mind because you have made peace with it and a person caught your eye which caused you to stand still because something about her is so eerily familiar to you but you couldn’t put your finger on it. The slender woman walks toward you with confident strides and her long seemingly wild brown hair is flowing down her lower back reminds you of the woman that is presumed dead. There is no identifying features about her that could connect her to that all-american sweetheart because this woman looks similar yet so different. As she turns her head toward you, her sunglass-covered eyes connects with yours briefly and she flashed you that halfway smile which caused a dimple to appear in her cheek which caused you to make some connections because you had few things to compare. However, as she walks by you without another glance in your direction, it didn’t register to you until she was a good distance away.

You spins around and calls out to her to see if she would turn around, indicating that she is not the person you are desperately hoping she would be but the woman didn’t react and kept on walking, slowly disappearing into the crowd. You scrambled to follow her to wherever she is going so you could verify your suspicion and you see her disappearing into the bar so you followed her into a bar, finding her sitting at the bar drumming her fingers. It is apparent that she was fully expecting this encounter as you approached her and there were no surprise in her face when she turns to look at you, tucking her sunglasses on her head. Her green eyes watches you steadily as she silently waits for you to say something but you felt like a breath was sucked out of your body because those eyes are the woman you thought you have lost. The long lost daughter and sister have returned.
With a slight smile, she taps on the bar counter and signed to you, “Let’s have a shot of fireball, shall we? I am sure you have plenty of questions for me.” before she turns toward the bartender to place an order, seemingly unfazed by this encounter. Seeming taken back by how casual this woman is treating this situation, you started to doubt yourself before she slides over the proof of identification, verifying who she is and she props her head up on her fist, looking at you.

Anger and betrayal was the first emotions you felt when it comes to her because one day, everything was going very well for her then next day, she was gone with only things she needed without a note explaining her reasons for leaving. The tears came along with rage while you laid it all out for her to see but she didn’t bat an eyelash because she knew this would happen so she just simply sat there in silence, sipping at her drink while letting you scream at her. Starting at you unblinkingly, the woman puts her glass down on the coaster with a light sigh and small self-deprecating smile gracing her full lips.

“Ok. If you are done… let me tell you my story…..”

Old Love Letter from 2015

Rhythm of the love
It flows through us with every breath we take
...with every steps we take
..with every heartbeat that thumps in our chest.
It resonates to others and is one of threads that connects everyone in some form.
-----
The woman paces across the wooden floor, running her fingers through her now dark red hair and drums her fingers against her lips while the anxiety rises up inside her chest. Things have gotten really serious with her love interest and it terrifies her. She knows that it terrifies him and they both are so confused. She sighs as she curls up on the couch with notebook and pen, pulling her hair over her shoulder and she chews on her lower lip.
The words from people she trusts and respects circulates around inside her head-
"You will never know unless you tell him. Give him a chance to figure things out with you."
"There is definitely an attraction between you guys. Don't let him lie to you like this."
"You only get to live once. Seize every opportunity you can get. If you think you can be happy with him, seize it."
"Every time you say his name, a smile appear on your face. You are a woman in love."
Tucking one of legs under her body, her other leg starts to bounce to the internal rhythm of her anxiety while she closes her eyes, taking in a deep breath before she looks up at the skies momentarily before she looks down at the plain paper in front of her. It took her months to finally acknowledge something that almost everyone around her already knows. She's a woman in love.
With another steadying breath, she pulls her legs up to her chest and places the notebook on it and the pen starts flying across the paper, filling it with the words she wanted to say to him but probably will end up in the fire after she's done:

"Hey you..
Yes, you.. the man in plaid shirt.
Do I have your attention now?
Good because I want to tell you something that I can't verbally say to you.
Do you remember our first meeting?
There were instant chemistry, attraction even though we were circling each other with a wary eye..
due to our previous experiences with relationships or casual encounters.
We got to know each other. I get to see you smile and laugh in person for first time which makes me smile when I write this.
You, me and our friend.. we could be considered The Three Musketeers that day.
All of the fun, all the day.
As usual, it had to end while I hop on the plane back home to relationship of hell with a sad heart but I find myself looking into your direction.
Boy, you say there's no attraction between us.
I will have to call you out on that bullshit because things have happened almost every time we meet up in person.
I know I am fat and I still have a lot of improvements to make.
I warned you that I am still a work in process.
I am losing my weight. I am toning my muscles slowly.
Not because of you. But I know you.
High standards in women.
Yet, here you are.
I know your luck with women are not that great. I have personally helped you through one of them.
But here I am.
A woman, scared to death and confused as hell.
I might talk the talk when it comes to relationships and give advice but baby..
Let me tell you a secret that I am not willing to admit.
I am a proverbial virgin when it comes to sex and relationships.
If you give me a chance, I will show you that I am quick study.
You are a hopeless romantic.
A country boy.
With a sweet smile.
I am a hopeless romantic.
A country girl.
with her heart in her throat.
You are scared. But I am terrified.
I know what it is like to be trapped in my own personal hell.
Trapped in a toxic relationship where I had to force my emotions into stasis in order to keep functioning for very very long time.
and in one day..
just one day, boy..
you achieved what my best friend couldn't do.
You flipped the switch to my emotions on without realizing it.
All of the emotions overloaded my senses.
Love..
Happiness..
Confusion..
Anger...
Regret...
Guilt...
Curiosity..
What am I supposed to do with the sudden flood of the emotions?? Take it in a stride??
No.
I wish I could. I truly do because that's what I would have done if I didn't have all of the formerly familiar emotions all hitting me at once.
A nuclear meltdown happened. Tears. Rage. PSTD. Anxiety.
Our mutual friend had hell of time with me all night until the sun rose over the grassy hills.
Sweetheart.. when I woke up few hours later, I laid in the bed for 20 minutes trying to compose myself because I know you are up. When I stepped out to your pale face and I saw the guilt and regret in your eyes...
I was at loss.
A genuine loss because I am relearning all of the emotions all over again
But one thing I can't deny..
My heart skip a beat when I see you.
when your face appears in my head, a smile appears on my face.
After encounters with you and we part ways, I want to dance.
What is stopping you, boy?
Nothing is a guarantee in our lives.
Maybe this is just a passing romance between us.
But don't you think you owe it to yourself and to me to see if this romance is real?
You are a country boy.
I am a country girl.
We might seem to be on polar opposite side of spectrum in everything.
But sweetheart, you don't know everything about me.
I genuinely believe we could work out if we keep our minds and hearts open.
Who knows?
You might be my paradise.
I might be your dream.
But what I do know is that there's a rhythm of love connecting you to me.
You seem to be singing a song that only I can understand.
A song of a person who is afraid to trust.
A song of a person who have been burned so many times.
A song of a person who had his heart broken badly.
A song of a person who is terrified to love again.
Sweetheart, I know those feelings too well. I am terrified to death. Because every time I find a reason to be happy or smile about, something bad always happens.
I know every word. Every nuance. Every rhythm to that song that we both seem to share.
Believe me when I tell you this- I will die before I will ever hurt you..."
The words seems to blur on the words as the woman realizes that there's unshed tears in her green eyes and she quickly wipes them off her cheeks and takes in a steady breath, knowing that this paper is definitely going into the fire because there's no way in hell she's going to set herself up for a devastating blow. "I am not ready for a relationship. That's why things didn't work out with the previous girl because she wanted it but I didn't." is what the guy told her. She remembers herself nodding and telling him that she understand.. and that she doesn't want relationships right now. She was sadly mistaken. She takes in a deep breath as she looks up at the beautiful nature in front of her to compose herself before she start writing once again-
"This will probably never reach to you because I am a coward who guards her heart fiercely.
I am a coward that is so confused about things.
I am a coward that don't know how to proceed when it comes to sex or relationships.
However, I am a lousy guardian of my heart because it seems like you have it in your hands and you don't even know it. You suspect that I have feelings for you. You tried to redirect it by saying that I have a feeling for my friend who I consider a brother to me.
"Communicate with him" they all say. I get tongue-tied when I talk to you. I get flustered. I don't know what to say. That's the first for me. I don't know if I like it or not. I normally know what to say in any situations. People have said that I am smooth talker and can easily talk myself out of anything.
So.. tell me.. why can't I talk myself out of THIS situation?
I don't have any answers this time.
No advice to give to myself.
If I try to talk to you, you will think I am desperate.
That I just wanted you because you showed me what you are capable of in bed.
Just like other women.
But I am not like other women.
Sure. You are amazing in bed. Phenomenal, actually.
But you are amazing out of the bed as well.
My family really loves you.
My family is everything to me. So if they collectively like a guy, then that means if anything does happen between us..
that will be an instant approval from them. You will be welcomed into the family.
Honey, I think you are already part of the family. You just don't realize it.
But I will respect your wishes.
I will not utter any words about relationships or anything around you.
Hence, this letter won't reach to you.
Just another layer in the bottle inside me."
The woman taps her pen against the 3 pages worth of words aimed toward him while her head bobs little bit to the music playing in her earbuds. As she re-reads those words while she moves toward the fireplace, her steps falters as the song comes through her phone- "Come with me to paradise" by Tony Christie. She closes her eyes as she slowly rips those pages out while words floats from her phone to her heart, causing it to stutter. As she crumple first page and threw it into the fire, she find herself mouthing the words to the song while she repeated the step with the remaining pages.
She curls up in front of the fireplace with her chin on her knees, staring at the fire eating her words up that will never be spoken to him while the song ends with "come with me..."
( lyrics to the said song-
I wanna talk to you of all the wondrous things
of all the magic days our love is bringing.
I wanna hold you close and never let you go
and you will hear the words my heart is singing.
We'll make our secret dreams become reality
and let our love run wild and free.
Heaven on earth will surround you and me.
Come with me to paradise my love
paradise my love
ev'ry day we'll see a golden morning.
Come with me to paradise my love
paradise my love
we can float away among the stars.
Together we can take a magic carpet ride
and see a silver river gently flowing.
Then may be we will stop and walk through wonderland
and see exotic flowers softly growing.
Oh
we can sail away across a moonlight sea
and find a place for you and me.
heaven on earth that's the way it will be.
Come with me ...
We'll feel the sunshine and just ignore time
and let our love grow inside.
We'll watch the moonglow whereever we go.
I'll always be right on your side.
Come with me ...
Come with me .. )

Living with Depression and Anxiety

You know what it is like to live with insecurities?
Anxiety?
Depression?

No?

Let me explain this to you in the most simplest terms. You are stuck in this cage with no way out (that you can see) and your mind is constantly whispering to you about so many things that is probably overexgerration of what is really happening. As the panic rises inside your chest, the bubbles of scream pressing against your throat to the point where you swore your heart is stuck there as well but you are stuck in that cage.

There's an invisible hand covering your mouth, preventing you from letting those screams out or letting you breathe. There will be feelings of desolation, nothingness, darkness and that you are worthless. You would want to do things but you can't find a shred of motivation to do it. You would feel like your life is barely holding together around you but there would be days you would rather to close your eyes and welcome the darkness.

----

That's what I have been going through on my daily basis and it is a daily struggle for me. I will have my good days. I will have my bad days. This is the aftermath of my 12 years relationship with my ex boyfriend/husband. I have so many problems and issues with myself to the point where I am constantly terrified of fucking up with my new boyfriend.

I have done so many things I wasn't proud of.
I have developed so many habits or abilities that I would normally avoid.

Whenever I look in the mirror, I see all of the mistakes I made written all over me. Invisible bruises, wounds and scars covering me from top to bottom. Hateful words uttered by me or others imprinted in my head.

Others see a beautiful woman with laughing green eyes, ever-changing hair colors, a ready smile or laughter on her lips with all of the potential waiting to come out of her.

I see a broken woman when I stand in front of the mirror. I see a woman who gets terrified when she finally finds her paradise and home because she doesn't want to set her happiness too high because things always happens to her. In her experiences, whenever she finds a slice of happiness, something always happens and she gets thrust back into that cage.

When I look at my boyfriend, my heart doesn't skip a beat. It infuses me with deep warmth and love. I already know I am lost. I already know that I am setting myself too high but I am tentatively spreading my tattered wings with heart in my throat.

I am still fighting the demons inside my head and my heart.. along with my past by myself in silence.
I am now motivated to defeat those demons instead of co-existing with them peacefully like I have been for years.

But I am so terrified. My insecurities... My issues. my problems... they will become a problem or an annoyance.

I don't know who to turn to. I don't know how to deal with this because I am still stuck in this cage with the hand over my mouth to prevent myself from screaming and blindfold over my eyes to keep myself calm.

Internet, my solace.

Internet...
Computers...
Games...

Those three words go hand in hand with each other and there is an increasing amount of people that would sit at their computer hours upon hours. I am one of those people and i am very sure my loved ones are getting tired of me going straight to my computer after work or school.

Here i am, explaining to you guys why i do this. Internet is full of strangers all over the world. Some good. Some bad. Some amazing and interesting. Some so evil. A lot of people that don't do internet or online games will say that i shouldn't trust people online because i have had few bad experiences.. but they doesn't seem to realize that the number of good experiences i have there eclipses the bad ones.

The problem with people today is that they only think about bad experiences i had instead the good ones. Let me list off good experiences i had on internet that sometimes transcends into real life, shall we?

**Me meeting my ex husband ( this is a good AND bad experience ) - i learned so much in my 12 years with him. I met him through gaia online personal ads (they removed that feature). He gave and took away my greatest joy and love, my son. But i learned how to survive.. how to fend for myself. How to be an adult. Trust is so fragile. Easily broken and hard to regain.

** My sisters and brothers online - ( you guys know who you guys are) i have met some of them and i am still planning on meeting rest of them. If it wasn't for them, i would probably blown my head off or be found dead in the tub with my wrists, neck and all main arteries cut. They keep me sane. They are words of wisdom and love. They laugh at and with me. I always look forward to spending time with them online. Talking, role playing, making plans and what not. Over the years, they grew to become my sisters and brothers of spirit and those bonds cant be broken

** Lessons I have learned- Those lessons are not necessarily bad ones but I have learned so much from interacting with different kind of people. I have learned how to be more patient, more compassionate and exercise a lot of restraints (because you guys know my mouth gets me in trouble a lot). I have learned to balance trust and how to hand them out. I have learned what is puppy love, infatuation, different layers of the loves by seeing it happening to various different people and having it happen to me as well.

** People I have met on the internet- I have met hundreds and thousands of people during my duration of my time on internet. They always provided me with laughter, smiles, shoulder to cry on, or just company when I needed it. They gave me so many ideas, things to think about. More I get to know people I run with, more I grow to care about them and they will become my friends and perhaps eventually more like spirit siblings or something else. People always cross my path for a reason. It can be a good reason like a lesson, company or whatnot or it can be a bad reason. Not everyone are terrible online.

** Relationships- I have been in quite few online relationships and they are really amazing experiences. Those men I have agreed to go into relationships with are from various different states or countries so I learn so much from each one of them. I even also learn about myself while I am with them like my preferences, what do I like and what not. I am currently in a relationship with a really awesome guy that I have met through a game and I am really happy with this man. He is always by my side and I know he will always have my back no matter what. He makes me smile. Makes me laugh. Makes me feel loved. This December, it will become a offline relationship when I finally meet him.

But the most important reason why I am always online is because....

On the internet, I am not Kelly. I cease to become that deaf woman. I become Kateri. I become Kestral. Caitlyn. Nemesis. All of my alias. I become this person that can communicate with everyone without any barriers. People won't treat me any differently and won't know that I am deaf unless I reveal that kind of information about them. The difference between online people and real life people is that.. online people won't care because there won't be any communication barriers at all.

"Oh? you are deaf? That's awesome. This is the song that is playing. (Insert song name here). Google the lyrics. Its really soothing/upbeat/whatever" song" <-- just an example

With real life people, I have noticed that hearing people DO get conscious when they realize that I am deaf and will focus entirely on my "disability" instead of just going with the flow and treat me normal like online people.

With online people, I am always included in conversations. I am always aware of what is going on because its all words on the screen. It might be just words on the screen but those words are coming from people all over the USA, Canada, Mexico, other countries. They make connections with me just like I make connections with them.

I am at my most happiest when I am online because I can relax. Be myself. Without any aggravations of communication barriers and just be like other people out there.

So before you look at me and accuse me of being an internet addict or anyone else, take those kind of reasons into consideration. Because I know people don't notice they are doing it to me but they are. They exclude me. They treat me with awkwardness. The communication barrier is right there and its usually me that have to break through it instead of them doing that first.

On the internet, I am just a regular person. No disabilities at all. Enjoying my time with the people that enjoys the same things I do.