The worst you could ever do to a mother

2007.
That was a maximum crime.
A young woman's world was destroyed and she hit the rock bottom. Robbed of her own greatest joy that she grew and protected under her heart for 9 months, this woman's illusion of marriage, trust and everything shattered that day.

That woman is me. I am sitting here typing this because I barely survived the ordeal of having my son taken away from me under the guise that I will always have access to him and have a hand in raising him while my ex husband's family handle the finances.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son, i was terrified but at same time in awe that my body was able to produce something so special. For 9 months, I felt and watched him grow inside me and the bond formed between us. His heart beats in unison with mine.

February 13, 2005.. I went into hospital to have my son but he was stubborn and didn't want to leave me. Around 8:20 pm on 15th, the doctors came to me with the news that made my heart stop beating..
My son wasn't responding and is in distress so emergency c-section was needed. By 8:45, he was out of me but doctors had to work hard to get him to breathe because he was not for first few minutes. That was few minutes where I stared at my interpreter and husband in mute horror, because heaven know what I would do if he dies.

The second i saw my son's face, my heart was filled with intense joy and love that I can't even describe. I was in this deep awe that I could create something so beautiful. I kept wanting to hold him, kiss him and just cherish every moment with him.

That's what I did for the next 2 years. However, I struggled to keep him fed, get supplies for him and whatnot on top of his health issues that he seems to inherit from both parents so he had hard time retaining nutrients we give him.

I was constantly exhausted but to see him smile up at me and reach out to me with his small chubby arms was worth every hellish moment I went through.

Medical bills continues to rise up and we feel like we are drowning. My husband and his family started to discuss about giving the custody to them behind my back. I was completely alone, mostly disconnected from my family and friends in up north.

21 years old and terrified for her son's life.

For 5 months, I stood alone and fought like crazy to keep my son. My own husband pressured me and in the end, I agreed on just one condition.. that i still get to see my baby, help with raising and when my life is stabilized.. I get him back.

Sure. Sure, they say.

In the month of March, that's when my world caved into me, imploded then shattered in so many pieces. I signed the adoption papers and that was the last I ever saw my son again.

When I realized what they did, a deep agonized feral cry came rising up from deep inside my soul. Desperate tears came as I fought so hard to fix the mistake I made.

This is my soul being ripped out. My heart being carried off in that boy.

My husband stared in my face after countless fights we had about me wanting my baby back and uttered one sentence that destroyed me even more-
" I never wanted William in first place."

I have been living with desolation, no hope, regrets and guilt about my son.

I will always have that emptiness in my heart. He will always be my pride and joy . My little monkey.

It's 2016. My lil man is 11 years old...
Not a single picture or video or updates from my ex in laws. They refuse to let me know about him or let me send him things.

"Return to sender"